see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
