I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
