Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
