if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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