What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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