When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
