I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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