how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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