You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
