Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize