yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just had sex on a roof
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
