Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
