I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
