i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
