sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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