When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
