you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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