over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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