your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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