The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
