She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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