Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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