First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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