Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize