The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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