Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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