my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize