she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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