apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize