did you get engaged???
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
