Michael Bay diarrhea
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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