Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
