Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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