wakey wakey hands off snakey
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize