you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
