How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
