I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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