i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
