I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
