highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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