the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
