last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
