so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
