So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
