A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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