I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
