Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
