i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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