I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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