How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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