I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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