My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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