if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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