I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
