I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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