I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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