More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize