The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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