remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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