I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
