nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
