I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize