If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
be right there i have to get my cape
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
