I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
