I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
