Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
