I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize