I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
