I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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